Yet the one time I did, I got banned
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I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”