Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
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[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Yup
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/