*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
You Might Also Like
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.