I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
You Might Also Like
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
#CatsOnTwitter
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.