They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
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Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.