“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
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Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Siri, fight Alexa.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job