I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
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Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
He is just living hist best little life 😊
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda