Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
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Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.