My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
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My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Pass gas, not judgment.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.