What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
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How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I see your IQ test came back negative
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
😏😏😏
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.