Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
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me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator