I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
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Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”