[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
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trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.