Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
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“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales