SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
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[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
can I use a minion as a tampon
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?