Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
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Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Husband of the year 😂
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out