Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
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I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
My typo game is string.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]