Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
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me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.