Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
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I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us