9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
You Might Also Like
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”