infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
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I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up