I thought $3 eggs 馃 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
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Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements鈥irst: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Son: But I鈥檓 not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You鈥檙e gonna eat!
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I鈥檝e been berry naughty!
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I鈥檒l handle it from here
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.