My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
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What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
my retirement plan is braless
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.