“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
You Might Also Like
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
A family that plays together cheats.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Need this in my life lol
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace