My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
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BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no