[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”