Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
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Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.