If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
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Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me: