I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
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I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.