ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
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When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock