after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
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[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
dutch so unserious
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
stop
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES