Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
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Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
#titanic
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.