*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
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[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care