“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
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I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
just got my engagement photos
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song