Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
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Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
sliding into dms like
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”