Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
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In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.