God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
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[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.