Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
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Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I need a headline like this
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me: