i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
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her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Duck typos.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
some Old Testament wisdom
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”