Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
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Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.