A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
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Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.