uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
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*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Batman v Dracula
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.