[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
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WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
spicy snake
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself