As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
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I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Netflix and you sit over there.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”