Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
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I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
the red hot silly peppers
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.