A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
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God: you鈥檙e a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that鈥檚 like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it鈥檚 stuck in my head.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
This is Sparta
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
serial killer: you鈥檙e in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you鈥檙e gonna let me live
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 馃檨
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I鈥檝e ever seen
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Can鈥檛 wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done