Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
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I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.