What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
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The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
*updates tinder bio*
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?