shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
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And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
#merica
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks