Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
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Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.